An Air Force Sarge

Once upon a time, a young man in Illinois won the lottery. The Vietnam Draft Lottery. Number 31 to be exact. Luckily for this fella, he excelled in science and mathematics while in high school and maxed out on the written tests given to him at the induction center. He tested so well that the United States Air Force offered him a job as a “Radio Communications Analyst Specialist.” When he inquired about what that job entailed, the officer in charge snorted, “I have no idea.  It is top secret.” And so, off our youthful Airman went on his “Top Secret” adventure. 

Shemya, Alaska

First, he spent a year on a tiny 2-mile by 4-mile piece of rock, nestled between the Pacific Ocean and Bering Sea, in the Aleutian Islands … Shemya, Alaska. This speck of tundra was 15 hundred miles from Anchorage and 200 miles from Russia.  Wonder what he did there?  Can’t tell you.  It’s top secret.

Then it was on to Iraklion Air Station in Crete, Greece for an 18-month tour. An Air Force station so small that it didn’t even have a runway. Besides enjoying the beauty of Greece and the Mediterranean, wonder what he did there? Can’t tell you. It’s top secret. 

Crete, Greece

And finally, on Independence Day in 1974, our Air Force Sergeant (how he was promoted, we will never know) was discharged from the military. When he asked the Captain during his exit interview what he should tell future employers about his Air Force job, the Captain replied, “Tell them you were a clerk typist.” So, that’s the story the young man was told to tell by his superiors, and he is sticking to it. Oh yeah, one more thing. The Captain at the exit interview must have known something, because a month or two after leaving the Air Force, the then college student was notified by the NSA and CIA that he should apply for a job with them. Who knew there would be such a shortage of “clerk typists?" Apparently, that Captain did. However, the college freshman passed on the generous offers from the NSA and CIA and proceeded to graduate college with a BS degree. And he lived happily ever after BS-ing his way to limited fame and even more limited fortune as a morning show radio personality where, years later, he wrote a "Brady Bunch" parody song about his time in the Air Force and shared it with his radio listeners. 

[Verse 1]

Here’s the story of a boy named Carner

Who was drafted with the number thirty-one

He just wanted to spend time, with his buddies

He thought his life was done

[Verse 2]

Hey, here’s the story of a sly recruiter

Who was blessed with a very clever tongue

He told Spiff he would soon be a Captain

It was a bunch of dung

[Verse 3]

Then one day Spiff became a big code breaker

And he knew that from then on, he would live large

If he told you what he did, he’d have to kill you

That’s the way Carner became an Air Force Sarge

[Chorus]

An Air Force Sarge, an Air Force Sarge

That’s the way Spiff became an Air Force Sarge

Spiff Carner, Sergeant, USAF

February 1971 – July 1974